Using Psychology To Get Better Dates And Improve Your Dating

psychology of attraction Nov 01, 2023
 

Using Psychology To Improve Your Dating

The Law Of Scarcity

The primary goal of this book is for you to nail this online dating game once and for all. I want to talk a little about communication skills now because so many people are blissfully unaware of how controlled by language their life and corresponding success is.

As Mark said earlier in the book, the message you are transmitting sometimes differs from the one being received. Failing in this regard will lead to many worthless dates with unsuitable people and missed opportunities with genuine candidates for 'the one' status. When you communicate unconsciously, not carefully using the words and intonation to your best advantage, and equally when you listen but don't hear this stuff being used on you daily, you miss vast windows of opportunity.

If all the subtle avenues of subliminal communication fascinate you as much as it does me, then you can carry your learning further in the RightSwiper VIP Club. For the moment and, indeed, to whet your appetite about how learning this stuff can enhance your relationships, I want to share more of the most potent psychological tricks I have picked up over the years.

The law of scarcity is, without a shadow of a doubt, the most potent stealth dating technique in the box. It doesn't matter what you are selling or trying to persuade someone to do; nothing gets it done better and more effectively than this automatic self-induced law of human behavior. If you take nothing else from this book than a greater awareness of the power behind the inbuilt fear of scarcity, then you will reap some pretty sizeable rewards.

According to the scarcity principle, people assign more value to opportunities when they are less available. The use of this principle for profit can be seen in such compliance techniques as 'limited number', limited edition, and deadline tactics wherein practitioners try to convince us that access to what they're offering us is restricted by an amount of time or quantity.

The scarcity principle holds for two reasons: things that are difficult to attain are typically more valuable. The availability of an item or experience can serve as a shortcut cue to its quality, and secondly, as things become less accessible, we lose freedoms. According to psychological reactance theory, we respond to the loss of privileges by wanting to have them more than ever before.

Think about smokers. Mark would always talk about how when smokers quit, those brown and white sticks turn, in the smoker’s mind’s eye, into wonderful tubes of gold which used to be served to them on a silver platter every morning with the finest Columbian coffee that money could buy!

The word freedom here is an incorrect use of the word 'BECAUSE' what we are losing is not freedom but a perceived sense of control. If you are at a party, and you witness a female guest paying particular attention to your boyfriend, does this not cause an uncomfortable sensation to rise? This feeling is your ego panicking about losing something it thought it had nailed down. The ego can't cope with any loss because it reminds it that it isn't anywhere near as in control of life as it would like to be. This uncomfortable reminder to the ego is passed on to you as emotional pain. Mostly, your ego is punishing you to motivate you to stop the current situation from happening.

I appreciate it does sound a little schizophrenic to talk about this part of the mind as though it is a separate entity, but it helps us understand this powerful force of human motivation if we think of it as an insane and illogical aspect of the mind.

Have you ever been on a diet where food becomes scarce? Now, granted, that's by your own decision, but how much do have to fight against yourself in these moments? This is just another reason why diets generally don't work. Scarcity is a powerful motivator, and research indicates that it doesn't only apply to food, the act of limiting access to a message causes individuals to want to receive it more and to become more favorable to it.

In the case of censorship, this effect occurs when even the message is not being received. Sometimes, the most profitable thing that can happen to a movie is when it gets banned. Everyone wants to see it because it's banned and scarce.

The scarcity principle is most likely to hold true under two optimizing conditions:

1.Scarce items are heightened in value when they are newly scarce. We value those things that have become recently restricted more than those that were limited all along.

This was demonstrated on mass in 2011 in the United Kingdom when a rumor circulated that the petrol tanker drivers were planning to strike. In a mass panic, drivers queued to fill their tanks for up to four hours at gas stations. This was despite the government's assurances that there was no shortage, no confirmation of strike action, and actually, at no point, any genuine shortage of fuel.

Think of what happened when Covid struck. People all over the world were fighting each other over...toilet rolls! Because it was perceived that there was a shortage. People were filling their whole cars with toilet rolls!

2. We are most attracted to scarce resources when we compete against other people to try and get them. It's challenging to steel ourselves cognitively against the scarcity pressures because they have an emotional effect that makes thinking difficult.

The power of this one psychological trait should never be underestimated. People operating in a scarcity mindset will ignore all logic and advice, desperate to correct the imbalance and sensation of loss.

The Law of Scarcity generates emotional pain; humans will always want what is restricted to them. Think about it, who really NEEDS to see a movie that the censors have banned for being too gruesome? You already know the answer to this is NOBODY, but people will crawl over broken glass to get a copy of that movie.

If you have ever been dumped by a partner (and who hasn't?), you will know firsthand how scarcity feels now. Is it not true that for days and weeks after the love of your life walks away, you can do nothing but pine for them? You spend extended periods looking at old pictures and thinking back at the relationship with rose-tinted glasses. Your friends try to comfort you with statements such as 'it's her loss' or 'you are better off without him,' 'you were too good for him anyway' and the ultimate 'cheer up, there are plenty more fish in the sea.'

Has that well-intentioned line EVER helped anyone get over a love affair? Yes, logically, we all know there are plenty more prospective dates out there, but we don't want them because they are out there and freely available to us. We want the one who has suddenly become restricted to us.

Women want diamonds because they are rare and expensive (i.e., ownership is restricted to the wealthy). Boys dream of one day driving around in a Lamborghini for the same reason. Once you become aware of the Law of Scarcity, you will see that there is not a single area of life that it doesn't influence, including dating.

Our advice is to apply the law of scarcity to your online dating approach. Be a diamond or a Lamborghini... valuable, rare, and challenging to get.

The Law of Social Proof

Wikipedia describes social proof as "a psychological phenomenon where people assume the actions of others reflect the correct behavior for a given situation… driven by the assumption that the surrounding people possess more information about the situation." In other words, people are wired to learn from the actions of others, and this can be a huge driver of consumer behavior.

Consider the social proof of a line of people standing behind a velvet rope, waiting to get into a club. The line makes most people walking by want to find out what's worth the wait.

There are many thousands of documented examples of real-world social proof out there. In one study, researchers tested messages to influence reusing towels in hotel rooms. The social proof message –"Almost 75% of other guests, help by using their towels more than once" had 25% better results than all other messages.

In another study, a restaurant increased sales of specific dishes by 13-20% just by highlighting them as "our most popular items". Social Proof also works on your subconscious – it's the reason why comedy shows often use a laugh track or audience; people laugh more when they can hear other people laughing.

Social proof is the second most potent subliminal dating persuasion technique you can use to accelerate your journey to finding 'the one'.

You can use it in many ways. For example, I know that women especially want to see that a man has friends. That he is sociable and liked by other people. This is an essential checkbox for the guys to get ticked if they want a long-term relationship. Make sure you demonstrate this in your profile and in your social media presence.

Another tip is to always portray your time as valuable. How much is an hour of some lonely, no-social-life guy worth? Not much is the answer.

Conversely, if you had to put a price on the time of someone who is always in high demand, is always busy, and never stops, you can see how the value becomes apparent.

So, don't feel the need to drop everything to reply to a text message from your new date. If you are with friends, be in the moment with them and respond when you get time.

Keep your diary plans; if you are busy, you are busy. This might feel like game playing, and I am sure you are not that person, but it's not really game playing. It's just intelligent dating; it's using your understanding of human behavior to establish quality relationships.

Remember, people don't tend to keep things of low value; they are disposable. If your cheap Timex broke, you would probably throw it away and get a new one.

You are not a Timex; you are a Rolex.

Unstoppable Power

Both the Law of Scarcity and the Law of Social Proof are 100% effective in their circumstances. Still, if you add them together, you do not get 200%, or putting it another way, the combined effect is significantly higher than the sum of its parts.

When my marriage ended, I returned to the dating game again for the first time in nearly two decades. I discovered that if you want to witness the most intense and vital form of rapport building, then watch any couple on a first date. This is the art of selling at its most intense. The male has his peacock feathers clearly on display; you can almost hear the cogs in his brain spinning at double speed as he thinks of witty lines and amusing stories to tell his captivated dinner guest. The man has never been so charming, funny, and just great fun to be around. At least one-half of the couple, and sometimes even both, are engaged in the sale of their life. Looking to close the deal not with a signature on a sales order pad but rather with a first kiss shared at the end of the evening.

When I stepped back into the dating game, I noticed the pure power of The Law of Scarcity and The Law of Social Proof. When you are young, there is no system or method to your dating; you see a guy or a girl who you like and you ask them to go to the movies with you, and that's about it.

When you get a little further down the line in life, it's more complex than that. You build up quite a list of things that your next partner must have going for them. But, more importantly, you have an even longer list of things that they must not do or have!

I became single again at 37, I have two children who are now grown up, and I have no burning desire to have any more children. This means that dating someone who is younger than me and had the NEED to become a parent must be a no-go area right from the start.

As you get older, you become more comfortable with who you are and your values. When I started dating again, I could never date anyone who smoked or drank alcohol excessively, but back when I was a teenager I don't think it would have bothered me either way. So when you jump back into dating with this list of prerequisites in your head, the whole process becomes a numbers game. You don't know if the person you are dating is going to be a long-term option until you work through the list.

I dated several ladies who quickly ruled themselves out of the race. I had two dates with a charming lady called Adele, who revealed that she wanted at least two more children… this would never work.

I was very fond of Michelle, who kept her smoking habit hidden from me until our fifth date. Smoking for me is a deal-breaker, and rather than fruitlessly try and persuade the person to give up their habit, I decided to walk away at that point. There are two sides to every coin, and for every possible partner I discounted for one reason or another, there is a woman who dumped me because I failed to meet her list of requirements.

I am telling you about this because it was through being dumped that I realized how powerful the Law of Scarcity and the Law of Social Proof become when combined.

I met a woman (let's call her Nicola in the interests of privacy) who I was crazy about. She was beautiful, intelligent, and quick-witted. She made me laugh, and I simply adored being with her. I checked my list, and I double-checked it; she appeared to be perfect, and I couldn't be happier.

Over three months, we got closer and closer, I even booked and paid for a luxury vacation for us a few months later. Shortly after this, something changed; she seemed cooler with me and less available to meet up and spend time with me. I tried to reassure myself that she was just busy with work, but the seed of doubt had been firmly planted in my mind.

Don't you hate it when your gut feeling turns out to be right after all?

One day she called me and hit me square between the eyes with it:

"Hi Craig, listen this doesn't feel right for me anymore. I can't put my finger on it, but I don't think we should see each other anymore. I am really sorry, good luck in your search"*.

*Side note - 'Good Luck In Your Search' was the title of this book for a while. It is such a common (and irritating phrase).

I was crushed, my heart felt like someone had reached inside, pulled it out, and stamped all over it.

Even though I was acutely aware that I was now being tortured relentlessly by the Law of Scarcity, it didn't help. I pined for Nicola for weeks, and eventually, the pain subsided. However, the respite only lasted a few days before I was to experience the same feelings again, but this time magnified tenfold. I was shopping at the local mall, and there she was… walking hand in hand with another guy. She didn't see me, but I watched them walk by, smiling and in love. He would occasionally release her hand and slide his own into the back pocket of her jeans. They were very tactile with each other and very happy and comfortable.

Of course, I am a decent guy, and I should have been happy for her and the new man in her life, but, at that moment, I wanted them both to fall off the edge of a cliff. I drove home in emotional agony, but it was significantly more painful than it felt when I was dumped just a few short weeks previous. At this point, I realized that when you make something scarce and demonstrate that other people still have it (social proof), the effect is cripplingly powerful.

I already knew I had lost something valuable, but when she validated that by demonstrating that she is highly sought after by other males, the effect was earth-shattering.

What can we learn about attraction from the law of scarcity?

We all want 'the one' we can't have, not those that are begging for our attention. This does not mean you should deliberately go out of your way to be play mind games. What you should take from this information is more evidence of your value as a person. There is no need to supplicate to the demands and expectations of online daters just to get their attention. Laying it on a plate for them is actually counterproductive, the more you offer, the less they want.

Understanding human psychology and using that knowledge to improve your love life is not manipulation or underhand trickery, it's smart.

Does this really work? You may be thinking that the law of scarcity may work for a one-day sale at the shopping mall or in a car dealership, but not romance, surely? Well, in reality, there is a comprehensive analysis to prove that it does!

One survey that upholds this viewpoint originated from Whitchurch, Wilson, and Gilbert (2011). The publishers had female volunteers look at the Facebook profile pages of four male university students. They were advised that the guys in question had recently checked out their Facebook accounts beforehand. The publishers then at random informed the women that the men had one of the following responses to their profile pages:

• The guy liked them a great deal.
• The guy liked them an ordinary (unremarkable) amount.
• The guy was unsure. He couldn’t decide if he liked her or not.

The result: Women liked the "unsure" guys above all else. They ranked the 'unsure guys' as the most desirable. Even more interesting was that the women liked them increasingly more as time passed.

What This Means for Your Love Life

Scarcity can have a significant impact on your impression of the appearance and value of another person. So, if you are going after a guy, you may wish to stop and ask yourself why. Do you have anything solid and genuine to base your attraction on? Or is that "incredible connection" just a deception you have built in your own mind because they are making you chase after them?

Also, if you ever find that a woman is not giving you the attention you deserve, or they are not treating you as the valuable man you are, you may wish to be a 'little harder to get' yourself. Refrain from surrendering and yielding to their wants and desires so quickly. Make them work a bit for it. Start to view yourself as a 'premium option'; you may be shocked to see what happens in response.

Playing hard to get does indeed work. It also works on you! So, before you go chase a guy down, ask whether they are really worth it, or it is just the law of scarcity talking?

 

Are You Ready?

So many people get worn out by the nonsense of internet dating, complaining that "all the men on dating sites are only after one thing" or "women don't give nice guys a chance." Unbeknownst to them, their approach is unwittingly crafting the outcomes they so vehemently despise. RightSwiper teaches you to change that for good. 

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